If it is honest, it is real.

My heart hurts.

2009-10-02T00:25:25Z

This is not a good thing, I guess. Especially since I'm supposed to want to be with him regardless. I guess I do, well, I know I do. I know that I want to be with him forever- excepting the Army thing. I'm horribly upset at the whole thing. I feel like I'm losing him. That I will lose him. Yesterday, I went down to LJ so I could see him. I haven't seen him in far too long and it's extremely upsetting to me. I have to be physically loved. It's what I need. I need reassurance, I need John to tell me, in person, that he loves. It calms me down and makes me feel better. Anyway, right when he got off work and we were in the parking lot he said, "I need to know if you'll stay with me if I join the Army. My 21st is approaching and it's something I want to know. I want to be with you forever." I immediately started crying. Not sobbing, but when I cry I'm quiet and the tears just pour down my face. He gave me a hug while I cried and said that we didn't need to talk about it then, but he would like to.

I don't need to think one second about my answer. My answer is no. I don't think I could do it. That's not to say I wouldn't love John. But I don't think I could stay with him. He's far enough away and he's only in Lake Jackson. For almost one year, he's been there while I've been here/home. I can hardly do this anymore. I'm just at the point where I am frustrated with not seeing him enough and I don't feel loved and it's hard for me to continue to love as thoroughly as I do without any feedback. Our phone conversations leave something to be desired, our text messages aren't particularly interesting, and I don't know what it is, but we hardly talk anymore. We sit in silence. I love him more than anyone, but I know I would lose my sanity if he were more than 45 minutes away. I mean I could see him every day if I wanted to now, and that's comforting. If I need him, he's there for me.

The fact that he might not always be there scares me. I am not big enough, or strong enough, to handle it.

Everyone hope!

2009-08-13T04:28:23Z

Tomorrow will solve mysteries.

I miss John, already.

2009-07-20T02:45:52Z

I got too used to having him around during camping.
Later, I need to finish up my room and stretch. I'm so sore.

I so sore!

2009-06-29T04:17:06Z

Work just beats me up, but I'm excited to do my stretching!

I always like to have a plan.

2009-06-28T07:33:37Z

And this year, I think I've discovered how to begin each of my days.
I will wake up an extra half hour and smoke a bowl then stretch for 10 minutes.
It's possibly the best way to feel. I wish I were still stretching right now!
I think I would like to have this light feeling all day. Especially to start my day.

And in the Fall, my classes don't even start until 10, so that's legit.
I'M EXCITED!

a_hypocrite @ 2009-06-27T14:33:00

2009-06-27T19:34:09Z

Ugh.

I've decided.

2009-06-22T20:27:40Z

Neil is really cool.
I should get to be friends with him when schools starts up again.

OOOWWWWW!

2009-06-06T07:20:53Z

Things that make me happy.

OHMYGOD.

2009-06-05T21:30:21Z

Things that make me happy.

wwww.awkwardfamilyphotos.com

Yes.

2009-06-04T06:22:03Z

Things that make me happy.

Looking at this

While listening to this

the whole time.

New thing, I think.

2009-06-03T13:23:16Z

Things that make me happy.

a_hypocrite @ 2009-06-03T05:56:00

2009-06-03T11:06:36Z

I visited my Nana today. She put her cat to sleep on Saturday and now she has no one. She's going to get some kittens, but she's not quite ready to move on. I understand, I think, but this is not the time to delve into my thoughts on death. Tonight is for something different.

When I was at my Nana's, she (awkwardly) asked me how many kids I wanted to have. I mean, I suppose everyone thinks about that: whether they want kids or don't want kids and if so how many. But she asked me in a way that begged answers. I really don't know. I guess 2 or 3, depending on whether or not there is a set of twins and whatever. I haven't been on my birth control for like, a week and a half. I feel a lot more stable and much more horny. It's weird, but I like not having random breakdowns all over the place. I feel back to myself. My medicine had a high dose of estrogen since I had a horrible attitude, but I was fucking 16 years old. I don't necessarily think that it's what I still need. I'm better without it. I don't think I'm pregnant- I can see this might be misleading. But the fact of the matter is this: if I were, you would still be the first person I told. I would want to talk to you first. I think that's why I'm still your friend. I trust you with that information. I trust you to help me, to talk to me, and to respond fucking honestly. I feel like we were not happy with each other for a while, but I feel like that's over, but maybe it's just because I had to evaluate who I would tell (since I thought about it). I don't have any girl friends, or not for real. You're the closest I've got.

In other news: I'm sad that I'm about to watch the last episode of Weeds. But I'm starting Freaks and Geeks!

I sort of miss high school.

2009-05-07T09:37:41Z

That's right. I said it.
I just miss hanging out all the time with people I liked.
I miss the ridiculous times and adventures that were had by all.
I guess it's a good thing that I've moved on and changed, but I wish that I could have both.
Apparently that's a trend with me; I always want both.

But in the same breath, I can say that I do not miss high school in the least.
I've got John now, I'm more stable, I smoke way more, I drink way less, I have a great relationship with my parents, I love my co-workers, I'm getting good grades, and I'm still friends with the most important people from high school anyway.

Know what I realized today? I love flowers. Oh, I was stupid for thinking they are a waste of money (they really are). I suppose what I really love are cheap flowers, wild flowers, garden flowers, weed flowers, tree flowers, bush flowers, picked-for-me flowers. I'm not that big on bouquets from stores, but bouquets of pansies and black-eyed susans, count me in. I am sort of sad that my family is know for having a "brown thumb." Everything we ever plant dies. I hope one day that I can cultivate a garden. Hopefully the front of my house will look like a fenced in cottage garden.

What has made me change my mind is that I'm now getting flowers. I mean, I've always gotten bouquets from my family for things like graduation and school performances. Which were very nice. They always got me yellow roses because they're the best roses, just sayin'. I've always picked flowers out of the grass, but I figured it was just because I was taking away what didn't belong. John gave me a grass flower the other day and I still have it. It's limpy now, but maybe I can still press it. It pretty much changed my perspectives.

Anyway, I should sleep.

I talked to Coby,

2009-05-02T23:40:28Z

and I think I better understand. I don't care anymore. And John was right, it's very much like the me/Eddie situation.

I wanna rock,

2009-04-30T08:17:49Z

ROOOOOOOOOCK!!!!!!

hahaha, alright.
internet, wish me luck on my two finals tomorrow and the paper i have to write for friday.
thank you.
goodnight!

For real, though,

2009-04-23T09:56:56Z

what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I some sort of masochist? I read things and look at things that depress me or upset me or really make me hate myself and I cannot stop. I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop. I try, oh God, I try. But my efforts are fruitless and taxing. I will sit here for fucking HOURS and just degrade myself because of what I'm reading and seeing. My thoughts are malicious and directed only at myself. Why? I want to fucking vomit, I am so frustrated. It's 4:15 in the morning and I still haven't gone to sleep. I'm exhausted. I have never wanted a fist-fight more than I want one right now. Maybe if I beat the shit out of someone I'll feel better or maybe if someone beats the shit out of me (unlikely, considering who I want to fight) I'll realize what exactly it is I'm doing with myself. Is it because of this that I am so unlikable? Is this why I have no friends? I trust no one. I am so incredibly paranoid and with reason (I think). What's wrong with me, why can't I be happy, and why must I hurt myself? I want to be a fucking psychologist for Christ's sake. You'd think I'd have the answers for myself if I'm hoping to give them to someone else.
I just want to meet her, really. It kills me that everyone says, over and over, that I'd like her and we would, in all likelihood, be friends. K-I-L-L-S me. From lurking, I have gathered enough information to say definitively, I would probably make very good friends with her, but I don't want to fucking hear it. I don't want friends, I don't need friends, and the last thing I want is for others to tell me that I do. I've made up my mind and I am stubborn. I hate having to defend myself because it's only unfair to me. There are reasons, which I can but choose not to explain, I don't feel we should be friends. Plus, it wouldn't matter anyway. The one obstacle, the reason I hate you refuses my only request. I'm civil, I am. I won't do anything irrational and if I did, the only thing that would happen would be making a tiny, snide comment with a fucking shit-eating smirk on my face. You know the one. Cock my head slightly left, eyebrow raise. I am an asshole, hate me for it, I dare you. Also, it wouldn't be an irrational statement, but planned out- maximum effect, minimal words. My goal is not to hurt you, it's to help me. So I don't know why I can't be trusted.
I say that no one treats me like that, I demand respect, I say. No. One. Treats. Me. Wrong. Those are my erroneous claims. The way I allow him to terrorize my thoughts and control what I do frightens me. I'm scared because it isn't him who is doing it, it's all me (mostly). I freak out at the drop of a hat- I cannot hear anger in his voice without losing it. Is he mad at me? What did I do? Why am I wrong and how can I fix it? Those are the only things I think and I dissolve into tears. It's not fair to me or him. I just depress us both. I need to fix it. I also expect things without voicing my ideas or opinions, when he doesn't come through with these unspoken things, I am inadequate. I don't feel it, I become it, and that's scary. I am just mortified for the rest of the hour, day, week; I am unpredictable- even to myself. "He doesn't love me" is all I can think. They aren't even big deals. I want him to give me more hugs and kisses. I want him to take me out, not daily, weekly, or even fucking monthly, just every now and then. I want to be treated like a girl sometimes because that's what I fucking am. I want you to know dates and like pictures. I'm not materialistic, but I want things. I want a button he found on the sidewalk because he knows that I collect buttons. I want a picture, I don't care how crappy, of something he drew when he was bored. I want little things that remind me of him. I want, I want, I want. I'm so selfish. I love giving, but sometimes I get worn out. I want to be taken care of. I want you to take care of me. I don't look it, but obviously I am fragile. I want all of these things, but I don't say a word. I want to be easy, simple, undemanding. I am these things and I believe it's part of what draws people to me and my careless attitude. But I also feel like that's where I fucked up. If that's what he's drawn too, what he loves, then I'm fucked because I think I'm changing. I'm so sick, it's hard for me to cry quietly. I can't breathe with my mouth shut, but with it open it's hard not to sob. I'm not being unreasonable, or am I? I can't even tell anymore.
Thirdly, fuck you, too. That's what I feel your actions have said to me. Maybe it's just you, but for God's sake, compassion, love, memory? I think you're smart enough to figure it out.

OH MY GOD. I need psychiatric evaluation. Also, maybe talk to my doctor about the birth control I'm on. I'm on the kind with the extra estrogen to balance out my naturally high levels of testosterone- the cause of my hotheadedness, as my doctor put it. But, I think that I don't need extra fucking estrogen. Look at me, I am an emotional wreck. I would rather be spiteful, angry, and short-tempered than be where I am now.

WHY THE FUCK

2009-03-21T18:30:51Z

does her having a boyfriend upset you so much?
It shouldn't.
Why do you call her? YOU SHOULDN'T.

I wish that I had friends.

2009-03-05T23:19:51Z

Not like, "Oh, poor me. I don't have any fuckin' friends."
Like, "I am going through some shit and want someone who will listen, not judge, and offer some advice without trying to make me feel bad or change the subject."

Good thing that there is the internet, right?

Woo. Everyone know that I love John. And if they don't know that, they should. It's a fact.
Everyone also knows that I used to be head over heels for Eddie. Including Eddie- I told him the other night.
Everyone also knows that when I liked Eddie he was also one of my best friends.
But what a lot of people don't know is that I still liked Eddie for like, the first month that I dated John. This is some old, old news, but it still haunts John and makes me uneasy. I also just told Eddie about this.

So I'm going up to Austin, probably, on Friday and was going to stop and see Eddie on the way up since I haven't seen him in such a long time and I miss him very much.
When I told John my plans, he seemed upset which is no big deal to me because he always gets upset when Eddie is mentioned.
But, he was like, "Yeah, so you can hang out with your other boyfriend." Or whatever.
And I jokingly said yes. I always do. Most of my friends are guys and that's our running joke since John isn't in Houston. All dudes I hang out with are my other boyfriend.
But John said, "I don't hang out with Kari."

I don't see it the same. And maybe I should, maybe that's just stupid of me, maybe it's just me trying to always have my way.
John doesn't want to hang out with Kari. And he's had sex with her.
I do want to hang out with Eddie, one of my best friends. And we've never had sex.
Sex. Changes. Everything. I would totally understand that John wouldn't want me to hang out with Eddie if we'd fucked. But we didn't. We didn't even kiss. Not even on our "pseudo-date." Oh, I wanted to, but I didn't.
John also knows this. And threw it back in my face. "Just because you didn't have sex doesn't mean you didn't want to."
Fuck. Yes. Fine. I wanted him. But that's the past.
I feel like I've had to give up one of my best friends because I liked him and things didn't work out.

I also think that this is running through my mind at top speed because it was like, Wednesday night when I told Eddie that I had liked him when I was already dating John, which I don't know if Eddie knew or not.
But also, when I went down to Lake Jackson Wednesday night and was sleeping in John's bed, I dreamt.
I dreamt that I was hanging out with Eddie and I just wanted to know what my life could've been. So I asked him to kiss me. Then I woke up.
That's such a problem I have. I want to know where I would be right now if I had chosen Eddie and not John. I just wonder. I love John, everything about him. I do not regret choosing John, but I wish that I had kissed Eddie when I had the chance. That way I would at least know.

To clarify: John is not my backup plan.

I just feel uneasy with these feelings. Could one kiss ruin an entire relationship? Could just one kiss make John hate me?

John came up today.

2009-02-25T08:13:09Z

He is officially the best boyfriend ever.
Officially.

When he was leaving (at the same time I was going to work) he said he was on his way to Lake Jackson, but showed up at my work about 5 minutes behind me. He was planning to come visit me all along. <3
And then he hung out for like, 3 hours just writing and being cute for me to look at and talk to and waste my work day with.
I love him so.

Also, today we discovered he looks like a Jonas brother. The oldest one, Kevin.

(the one on the right)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's all.

I actually do know who this is for.

2009-02-23T09:55:19Z

I don't particularly know who I'm writing this for: me, him, or you. I know how I feel but I need to reassure myself, I've told him before and he won't read this, you have no inkling and you probably don't care.

I'm happy. Very, throughly happy. Even after what happened on Saturday night; the 2-CI might have actually made you honest. It was admittedly tough for me to withstand the torture that you put me through, but I am entirely glad that I sat through it and listened and learned. You've absolutely got me, sir.

I am happy. I have made some choices in my life that I don't regret making, but were probably not the correct choices. I could be smarter, have a higher GPA, make more money. I could be a straight fuckin' shooter, but I'm not. With or without you, that will not change. I know that and I know this: you are not a negative influence on my life and you do not drag me down. I am happy that I am where I am. I love the people I know, the friends I have, and the relationships that I tend to and care for. If I didn't want to be where I was right now, I think (I hope) that I am a strong enough person to at least let myself know. I wouldn't lie to myself if I can help it.

I'm not with you because I feel sorry for you. I'm with you because you make me feel good about myself. Before you, I wasn't happy. I liked to think that I was, but really, I was just lost. I needed you and I found you and now I have you. And now I'm happy. I'm sorry that you feel inadequate, but there is nothing you can do to convince me that I am better off without you. I know that's simply not true. How could I be better off without the unconditional love that you have for me? It just is irrational.

I promise I'm not faking it; I would never be in this, this deep, just out of pity. I can't fake the things that I feel. I can fake words, promises, sex. I could never fake the throbbing that is my heart breaking when you're not around or when I get sad because I'm without you most of the time. It hurts and I wish that it didn't but it's real, so I don't mind it. I know that the second I see you, my heart will flutter away and I'll have to fight to keep it in my chest. I can't fake the feeling I get when you touch my skin, the way the hair on the back of my neck just knows that it's you.

But Saturday night was probably the worst and best night of my life. I do not know why you would even consider asking me if we are "better friends or better lovers." I don't know why you don't know that. I am your best friend, but if that's all I am, I feel insulted. I'm glad it's out. I'm happy to know the truth, it's just hard to handle sometimes.

BUT I NEED SLEEP. Ugh.

I'm too bitter.

2009-02-23T08:23:48Z

It hurt me most that he seemed offended when I insulted her.
It hurt me second most that he tried to convince me I was wrong about it.
It hurt me third most that he doesn't particularly want me to dislike her.

Sometimes I guess he hurts me, yeah.

I used to be able

2009-02-19T06:50:39Z

to sit down and write what I was feeling.
And it used to sound good. And I used to enjoy it.
I wonder exactly what happened...

Back

2009-02-17T08:19:37Z

Again.

Oh dear lo'd.
(That "lord" in old black church lady.)

what the fuck is wrong with me?

2007-11-14T09:15:59Z

seriously. i have like, a perfect boyfriend.
and i'm mad at him. for not being mad at me.
because i did something sort of dumb. not really dumb.
and nothing that anyone SHOULD be mad about.
but like, he just rolled over and didn't say anything.
and now he's asleep. and i can't go to sleep.
and i'm buggin' out. and all i really want is:
1- for him to be like. wtf, i'm going home.
or 2- for him to wake up and be like. srsly, what's wrong.
or 3- for him to be like. why the hell would i be mad? you're ridic.
but NONE of those things are going to happen.
because i've got unrealistic expectations.
and because i'm not going to hint at any of this, he'd have to be a mindreader to know.
and jesus, this blows.
like. he's going to move to fucking austin in december or january.
and i can't do that long-distance thing again. fuck that.
and i'm like, just getting used to this whole thing.
like. it still intimidates the fuck out of me, but no one can really tell.

i fuck up everything good in my life.
the. fucking. end. goddamnit.

Postsecret.

2007-11-08T09:26:55Z

I've got a lot of secrets. So I'll do a bunch of Postsecrets.
Look out for me. You won't really know.

John's been sick. And I hadn't seen him in like, 3 days. But then he just came over (he's gone now) and he is still so cute. I thought that I would be bored with him by now. But I'm not. He went home to sleep, but I wish he'd stayed and spent the night. Like, sometimes, I'm not sure if this is a solid relationship. It was built on a drunken promise. I hope I can trust that. He seems head over heels for me. I like that. He makes me smile a lot. I like that, too. I'm going to say it's a win-win situation, but I'm scared. We all know how weird I am about relationships so I think it's madness I'm even giving this a real shot.

I have to write a paper-- like now.